I had a pretty good two days, yes I realise I didn't post anything yesterday, but in my defence, no access to this PC just my phone, and blogging via a phone is hard to do. So what's new, spent time with my mother, which I have to say was nice as I don't spend enough time down with her frankly. Bonus I get to fuss the old boy known as Barney (my mums lovely little dog) who although getting on a bit, still has moments of madness. So yeah, yesterday was quiet, which was needed and I feel a lot better for it.
Now we move onto today, today I got to do something I love, I mentioned it in a previous blog and I realise I've not done the part two to that one yet. I had a photo shoot with a fantastic friend and awesome model who not only did me a huge favour by modelling for me today but also brought her partner who was amazing himself. I'm a step closer to finishing a project I want to get done by Halloween and its almost looking complete. Yeah had a few issues, mostly down to various things including time, availability and most of all my terrible organisational skills.
Anyway, shoot went REALLY well, go some cracking images and it did my confidence the world of good. I love photography, yeah I'm no professional, I'm a hobbyist and an amateur one at that, but I'm learning and enjoying the journey. The more I do, the better I'll get and who knows, maybe one day I'll do something I can actually be proud of in my own self. Which is going to bring me back around to an issue I mentioned before, me, hating me and hating the things I do.
I've only ever had one bit of bad feedback on a photo shoot, I was starting out, made the huge mistake of thinking its just point and click, I had no idea to be honest what I was doing. But as time went on, I took a lot more photos, people seem to like them, in fact a lot loved them and praised them. Problem there is I don't see it with their eyes, I see it with my own judgemental eyes and see nothing but mistakes, shoddy work and badly produced images. That is me getting in the way of me, hating what I do, no matter how much people tell me otherwise, I find it so hard to like anything I create. I know where it comes from and I know I've already talked about it, me looking for validation while also thinking constantly, I can do better because of events in my childhood and pretty much in my adulthood.
But I am not going to let this blog go all negative, I achieved goals today, I also had the bonus of working with a female and male model dynamic that offered so much potential. Again, I'm damn lucky to know the people I know and even more so to call them friends. I honestly need to get out and do more, I have who really want to work with me and I just can't seem to get myself going when I need to. And there you go, the eureka moment as I typed that sentence!
I need to get organised, I need to get out more and I need to take advantage of the rare opportunities that are presented to me. To do it though, I need to focus and also get handy with my craft skills, I have access to a studio now and that allows a lot more versatility to my work. I have access to tools, a workshop so why on earth am I not building props all the time, why do I mostly sit on my arse here in this house and do very little actual work?
Answer to question, my mental health, there are days I just can not function and those days are alarmingly frequent. But the real annoyance is going to end soon, the lithium, it is the fly in the ointment of everything I do. Imagine if you will, you are getting excited, you feel creativity flowing, you start to feel very happy and the energy level starts to drive upwards. Well for me, that happens, then I hit a brick wall made of lithium, it is designed to do that, stop me in my tracks. It prevents my manic phases but the like a double edged sword, it stops me doing something stupid while also stopping me doing anything with that energy full stop. I live in an emotional limbo, never quite feeling happy, never quite being excited by anything. Its there, but its distant, think of it like moving in water, everything is slowed down, dulled, the sound is muffled. But as I said, its going to end, does this mean finally, after years of not being to do much I might be able to do more?
That is my hope, the thing I actually dare to dream of, having the energy to do the things I want to do. Build props, use them in everything from cosplay to photo shoots. In turn I get to do what I love and the real bonus, I get to make people happy. I like that second part, don't get me wrong, I'd do what I love anyway, otherwise there would be point to it if it wasn't for myself in some way. But I do appreciate the fact I can give something back to, to the people who have always shown me kindness. This is really an odd one isn't, like its two different things crammed together to make sense out of some third weird thing that I don't quite fully understand.
That third thing, is purely me longing to be better, better than I am, both in health and in the things I do. I've suffered so much due to my health this year, I don't help the situation, I am overweight, I smoke and I find it hard to motivate myself. But I want to get there, to be better, to not having aching legs, to not feel locked inside a box and most importantly, to be free, free to focus on the things that matter in my life without worry. So I'm going to leave this blog as it is, I reckon I'll do that part two tomorrow and talk about exactly why I love photography so much. Yes, that's what I'll do!
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