So I'll start with the beginning, prepping to go to my psych appointment, not something I was particularly looking forward to as frankly I had given up completely on the system and whatever help it could offer. The first challenge, getting out of bed, because believe me, I DID NOT WANT TO. But my wife being her usually amazing self and knowing this appointment had potential, managed to get me going. Yeah I had no real motivation and honestly I was hoping something unexpected would happen to stop me going. Safe to say that didn't happen, I even think the universe itself was going 'make sure you get to this one' as when I was waiting for the bus, a journey that often fills me with anxiety, my sister in law surprises me. Like an agent of fate she was in the area, had seen I had an appointment and happened to have time to spare. I'll give her full credit, she was there, wanting to help and straight up reassuring.
That led me to the other weird part, see I don't see either my brother, sister in law or the kids unfortunate enough to have me as an uncle. So as you can imagine, I don't hear a lot, that's my failing in honest, I'm not very good at the whole family thing, I guess I just liked my own space too much. Anyway, meandering off there again, but I got to find out that in many ways 2018 has not been a good year in general, something I thought in honesty was in my head, but nope, 2018 has sucked bad for a lot of people, including family and friends. Yeah, odd sentence, but I realised as I was typing I was about to talk about things that really, I have no right to post up here unless I check first. But the point still stands, weird and unexpected were words I was going to get used to during the passing of today.
See we had the unexpected lift, then the information, then came the actual appointment, which by some miracle of nature, I actually attended and had the same person to speak to. To explain that, over the last few years I have never seen the same person twice in terms of my treatment. Every time its like a reset button as I have to explain everything to a new person who just started. But back to actual appointment, the person I was seeing happened to be a professor of psychiatry that had been pulled out of retirement. I'd seen him during my recent time with crisis team (another story I'll tell another day). This man, instead of trying to argue with me, tell me that my concerns were wrong or that I there were no alternatives, listened to me. He didn't try and explain away anything, he broke things down, waited to hear how I felt and formed a plan from that. But man, did I find out some facts that left me feeling like I have been effectively lied to for years, no not feel, had been.
See I want to come off my lithium medication, I'm getting severe side effects after more than a decade using it. My skin is so covered in psoriasis that I can safely say it now occupies about 50% of my total body in some form or another. Its so out of control that no creams work, no moisturiser will penetrate it and it cracks and bleeds daily. Sorry if that makes some of you feel off reading it, but its my reality, its also embarrassing, I hate my body due to it and its robbed me of a few things. An example, I can't even go swimming in the local pool, because as soon as they clap eyes on open sores, there is no way they will let me in. I know people shout 'but they can't stop you, its discrimination' and that I have rights, but it doesn't stop it and those rights go out the window if the sores are 'open'. So you can see why I want to come off it, aside from it not working well anymore, its causing me a ton of problems. You won't believe the things I can't take or eat as they directly affect the levels in my blood and could effectively cause toxic levels and kill me.
Safe to say, this professor, understood this, he actually stated if he had been the one treating me at the beginning, he'd have taken me off it years ago at the first sign. Which shocked me but angered me to, because I'm sat there thinking 'everytime I told them about the side effects, they increased the dosage'. But he went further, and this actually freaked me out but the anger took over quickly. The fact, that the lithium is directly responsible for my psoriasis also meant that potentially it could have also killed me. I kid you not, I am sat in an office, with a guy who knows his shit, telling me that if the psoriasis reached a certain level, it would, without doubt, cause my body to lose so much water that the lithium levels could kill me. You imagine that for a moment, not only has this chemical wonder that can stabilise my mood and run my fucking watch been slowly damaging my kidneys, lymphatic system and skin, while simultaneously stopping me using medication that could heal many of those problems. It was actually acting like some moisture seeking vampire who had turned my own body against me. I am still raging here over that thought, that in over 10 years not one, and I mean not one so called mental health expert had ever thought about that. I made no illusions about how bad my skin was, hell they even once referred me to dermatology!
Right, calm, deep breaths because there is some silver lining here, because this wonderful man, this professor who actually took the time to read my notes before I got there, said enough is enough, time to stop the lithium. Yes, this man, in but a few appointments did more for me than anyone has in years of treatment at the hands of a so called mental health department. I hate to criticise the NHS, but seriously, in terms of mental health, they didn't just drop the ball, they lost it so badly the damn thing is now called Wilson. So I'm starting a new med, can't remember the name off the top of my head but its a basic mood stabiliser that also happens to be a treatment for epilepsy, a med I was offered but talked out of when I started lithium. So slow withdrawal from the lithium starts in about 3-6 weeks and surprisingly, may only take as little as 8 weeks to actually come off it completely.
One last thing with the appointment I had to just drop my jaw with, which is coming back to the NHS mental health team. He asked about crisis team, who I am still under at the moment due to previous low point, I was in a very dark place. I informed him that they had been very hands off but were chasing up my referral to the community mental health team. To which he laughed, said but you are already in it, you are in secondary care, so its automatic. This is what I had always assumed, problem is, he's wrong, I'm not, as apparently I'm an out patient, which nobody seems to understand. But its comedy at its best, that even the guy who is top of his profession has no idea how their own system works in regards to my care. I am in the mental health limbo, a place where I am apparently treated but nobody knows how!
So here I am, after all that, new beginning, there's no guarantees here, my skin may never recover, this new med might not work and I could be facing dealing with the full force of my bipolar disorder. But I would rather that, than face a slow, painful and corrosive journey into my 40's on lithium. Life isn't going to change so much for me but things will be different and I will face challenges that I've not had to deal with in a long time. But I am quietly confident about this, that this new treatment plan could work. Who knows, maybe he'll get me the community mental health team, be nice as it would take a lot of pressure of my wife. She never complains, but I am not stupid, its draining living with a bipolar. But I am holding out, you could say I have new hope and this time, maybe, just maybe, I can get the help I need to get a grip on my own health.
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