Yeah, I stole the title from one of the least loved star wars films, but hey, it gave us Darth Maul and John Williams epic 'duel of the fates'. Anyway before I get sidetracked by that, and trust me as you read this that statement in itself will make so much more sense. I've lived with bipolar all my life, I can't remember a time it hasn't affected my life, I grew up with it and even though I didn't have a name for it, that didn't stop its influence in my life. I could go into how I grew up with it, I could give you a story of a childhood lost, dreams shattered and even love that was nearly lost, but that's for another time I think. What I want to talk about today is one of the most annoying and yet strangely creative aspects of being bipolar.
So what is this strange thing, this aspect that is both annoying and creative?
Everyone has those moments of inspiration, those moments where you get an idea and you go 'that is amazing, lets go for it'. Well, bipolar loves those moments, it adores them and being as its a part of who I am, I love them to. There is a slight problem though, see a rational minded person looks at an idea, they decide to take a chance on it, work it out the best they can. How it goes, that is dependent on the person, they might make a success out of it or it'll all come crashing down around them, either way they take that chance and focus more often than not on that single thing. I know that's not exclusive, people do tend to wander from thing to thing, forget things, start new projects, shelve old ones. But for a bipolar, these things are a little more complicated.
You see I can look back at my life and see a trail, that trail is made up by a million unfinished, unrealised or even totally wrecked ideas. Like everyone else, I get ideas, I try to make them happen and like everyone else I sometimes get them to work or fall flat on my face, no real difference there. Here's the complication, bipolar is a condition that takes you to the heights of creativity, you feel like you can do anything while on the high end of the mood scale, nothing is beyond you. Imagine that for a moment, you can do ANYTHING put your mind to, to you its all possible. You are bound to be thinking already, nobody can do anything, there are limits, to think otherwise is either arrogance or a sense of over confidence. You're right, problem is, I can't see that when I'm high, that's nonsense, who the hell do people think they are to tell me I can't do these things. Fair, that's the extreme end, I also get ideas for things while stable, but like everyone else, I tend to try and work with what I have and understand my own limitations. Though tell me I have those while high and I'd dismiss it in an instant and tell you that anyone can achieve anything they want, they just have to believe in it.
Not so bad, wondering where I was going with this, so am I but I think this next part will tie it all together. That feeling, of knowing you can do something, having confidence in it, high or stable, it doesn't matter. Because all it takes is for the floor to open up and swallow me and those things blink out of existence. The phantom menace, the demon that lurks in the mind of so many, depression. I could be doing so well, I could be on top of the world and all it takes is one bad day, the rug gets pulled as I'm going my rather hefty arse goes flying up in the air, all goes sideways and I'm laying in a heap, clutching myself in pain as my mind reminds me how horrible I really am. Yeah, that about sums it up, so now imagine the things I'm doing well in, they are now turned against me. They become things that are beyond me, I can't deal with them, I can't motivate myself to get off the floor and the longer I stay there the more guilt I suffer as I watch well made plans fall apart.
It really is a case of the things that inspire you and devour you, all those lovely plans, all those unfinished projects just sit there, mocking you for your inability to finish them. Worst thing is, its never just one or two things, nope, bipolar personality has so much to give. I end up doing so many things at once that even when I'm stable I find it hard to keep up with it which, as you may have guessed already, can trigger depression through good old fashioned anxiety. And believe me anxiety is a bitch, that little gem is like somebody says 'here hold this' and then you realise you're posed like Atlas holding up the weight of the world on your shoulders and the floor is giving way.
So the phantom menace of bipolar for me is that long list of unfinished things, those things mount up, to a point where they become a crushing reminder of what could have been. Feeding anxiety and destroying any sense of hope you had to do something, anything. Don't get me wrong, I love that feeling of starting something new, I love the creativity but I can't ignore that sense of defeat every time I end up giving up. It has the ability to inspire me, to think of amazing ideas, to create new projects and to have the confidence to carry them out. But it can also tear it from me as someone yanks the lever labelled 'trapdoor' and it all comes crashing down leaving me in a heap of my own creation. Now there are ways to cope, hell I never understood it years ago but an occupational therapist said to me when I am depressed just finish one task a day, even if its something like do the dishes. I get it now, because while all the other things seem out of reach, impossible to do, the simple things, the little things, they can provide a sense of achievement. That sense gives you enough to get through, enough to keep the demons away for a few more hours. Maybe with enough little things, you can keep them away just long enough to actually make it back up walls of the pit and onto solid ground again.
So i think that explains it, I hope it does anyway, i feel I didn't quite get it across but that's the nagging doubt, well more a couple of voices in my head (oh we'll get to them in another post). Anyway, I'm going to stop here, as I think I actually just managed to even confuse myself!
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