Frustration vs Choice

God damn sneaky depression, I just thought I was having a low energy day! But no, you had to wiggle in my ear and start whispering didn't you! I know I've had a few weeks of real stability, but if all it takes is being is another unrealised dream then its not real stability is it?

The sheer frustration involved in simply thinking about that question is enough to drive me bonkers tonight I can tell you. Its unfair, I know I may sound like a child throwing a tantrum but seriously, it is completely, without fail, unfair. I have had years of this nonsense, this repeated cycle of feeling ready to move forward with my life only to have the rug pulled from under me. And its equally bonkers because the source of all this is directed at me facing a situation I really didn't think would cause so much upset. I do wonder how people cope, those who have no mental illness, those who are apparently stable. Because right now I want to scream, shout and throw an absolute fit if I'm honest.



I'm not even ashamed to admit it either, why the hell do I end up giving up on the things I want just to keep the peace?

It needs to stop, this needs to stop but I also know I can't have my cake and eat it, that is also completely insane. I can't go through life with a 'I want' attitude only to feel this way whenever I can't have something or am told by no uncertain terms no. But as an adult, as a person with desires and ambitions, I am surely allowed something right?

This is a side of depression that confuses me, because how can I be angry and depressed?

It has high elements to,the whole manic 'I will do what I want and sod the consequences' aspect. But it is depression, its that standing under the sword of Damocles and waiting for the thread to snap as it plunges down through my very soul. I am fed up, that's the reality, I think that is what caused my last crisis moment, what triggered the breakdown. I found myself for the first time in years, able to look forward and as soon as I do, it is taken away from me. Sometimes by my own actions, sometimes by the actions of those closest to me and sometimes just by the world being a shitty place.

I don't know, maybe this is just the whole 'been through a rough patch' thing that is just now really sinking in. My photography work is constantly hitting walls I can't breach, mainly due to the constraints of lacking my own real space to use. But that is a minor thing, I have access to an awesome space thanks to a great friend, so I have options, I just need to rethink and not be so ambitious. But that there is a sensible thing, its not that I've been told no, its just that the reality of it is, its beyond my ability right now. That's it, that's the point here, I'm not upset at the things beyond my control, I'm upset because the things I can control are taken away from me and I'm not even given a choice.

Choice is the key word, I am pretty much the person who will help anyone and I expect nothing in return, I even shun compliments and any kind of adoration pointed in my direction. I'll be honest, I find it very hard to deal with, I help and do kind things because for me, its normal, its just who I am and to be rewarded in any way detracts from it. But have I been wrong this whole time?

Is this sense of frustration I feel me actually crying up to the heavens 'where is my reward?'

I don't want much, I don't want anything from anyone other than to be treated as I treat them. I am the person who doesn't say no if you have a dream, I'm the person who will get on board and help you aim for that dream. May not make it, might never happen but I'll be damned if I will ever say 'no' to that dream. To rob a person of their dream is to take something precious from them, but I do know that is also not always possible to prevent. There are times where a persons dream could lead them into trouble, as a friend, a partner or a family member, those are the times we say no. I know that's a contradiction of the previous 'but I will be damned' but its also a reality I can not ignore. But we shouldn't mock the dream and more often than not, most dreams are harmless and easily achieved. I've got a few myself, really easy to achieve and in time I will, I want to do a H R Giger type shoot for my photography. Its not out there, its not dangerous but it is something that requires work and effort to achieve plus a whole host of support. That's it, support, got the word in the end, you should always be supportive of dreams, they may never happen but it doesn't mean you can't say 'go for it'.



And that brings us back to my frustration, I have another dream, one I've had since childhood, and I'm faced with the dilemma that it may never be realised even though for the first time in many years I'm actually in a position to make it happen with very little effort. It's silly, its really not worth losing sleep over but yet I find myself back to the beginning of this post and on reflection, back to the beginning of my crisis. Because, on a rare occasion I am willing to fight and not back down, even though I have done so before, I am feeling like a villain. That is not how it should be, that is not how support, dreams and ambitions should make you feel. So if this is depression, sneaking up on me over this situation, all my previous weeks of work have meant nothing. Because the truth is, a simple 'no' is all it took to erode ground beneath me, cut the string above me and leave me to figure out whether I'm going to fall on my face and die by a sword in my heart.

The true power of anger

Emotion, funny old thing for me if I'm honest about it. As a bipolar I live with the constant extremes of mood, which means my emotions are all tied into that. I rarely stay in the middle, its the bane of my life as I have to be constantly aware of my thoughts and how they make me feel. But recently, with my change of meds, something has changed, but I'm not entirely sure about it.

Putting it in words isn't easy either, but I will try my best!

Lately I have felt more alive, more aware and most of all less worried about things. Its like somebody took all the caution I had about my condition and said 'you relax, we got this'. I've felt stable, I feel creative and I feel more than anything else, free, yes that is the word, free. I have new sense of freedom and its something I've not had in many years and its fantastic, or so I thought. See that not worrying thing didn't last, because now I have to ask myself a very serious question, what on earth does this mean?

Really shouldn't be asking if I'm honest, why not just enjoy this feeling of freedom and go with the flow?

But there is a catch, the more freedom I feel, the less inclined I am to put up with things. My life, even up to now has been a series of compromises, I've given up things to have other things for example. But I rarely actually get what I really want, I have almost steered clear of for some reason I have never really understood. I guess some of it is I'm afraid to offend people, another part is I don't want to rock the boat and a whole hoard of similar things. But with this newly felt freedom from the demon of my condition, I have those urges again, those wants, desires, the ambition to realise my dreams. And boom, there is the problem right there, the moment I decide to try that, I ALWAYS hit a wall and I'm usually the one who left backing down and not ultimately doing the things that bring me joy.

I have given up a lot in my life, that isn't me trying to sound like some martyr, its a fact and often it was essential for life at the time. I'll give a great example, I once lived in a lovely, nicely sized and very comfortable flat. I adored that flat, I felt completely at ease and it had the benefit of being close to my parents so if anything was wrong, I could get there in seconds (yeah it was that close). But as life would have it, I start to lay down roots, my wife moves in, all seems well. But it wasn't, within months, I couldn't go out unless either my wife came with me or had somewhere else to go. Now before that sounds off, its not what is sounds like trust me, not the actions of a controlling individual, no this was different. The fact was, our nice, comfortable flat had now become a place of unease and at times, danger. In just months we had everything from one neighbour trying to steal a parcel right up to an idiot, with a loaded gun roaming the stairwell. Now I'll put this in perspective, the stairwell was the only way in and out, no emergency exits existed and here we have a guy, drunk out of his mind, with a loaded gun pointed at the only way in. I reported this particular incident, which led to months of hell as we get threatening phonecalls, the same idiot harassing us and in general the whole area feeling more and more like a nightmare. So now you understand why my wife was not exactly eager to be left alone there and wanting desperately to move away.

So that was forced compromise and that is how my life tends to go, its not a choice, I seldom get those. Anyway, moved from that flat to this house, which frankly I have never really felt comfortable in, but the views and the street, its worth a little discomfort if I'm honest. I guess I'm losing the point of this and I need to get to it, but these little stories do tie in. My current neighbours have made it so uncomfortable for me to be in my own garden that I stopped wanting to be out there. Can you imagine that?

I'm faced, with people who seem hell bent on just making me feel like I shouldn't be doing something or being somewhere, that is the point I need to get to. So I'll set things straight here quickly, its not the house that is uncomfortable, its the fact that I feel trapped in it. Anyway back on track, its so hard to put this in words and I think part of it is I don't want to offend.

So this new freedom, what it means, what it is doing to me and why I had to explain about compromise. I am past the point now of caring about compromise, I am past the point of worrying about what others think. My new neighbours can politely fuck off and keep their judgemental glances away from me as I reclaim my garden over the next few months. I am now NOT going to put up with people who claim to say what they think but don't have the spine to actually do it. I am through with compromise to, the only reason I will do that now is if its needed not because it might offend of ruffle a few feathers. I have a real chance here to beat my bipolar and to do that I need to create the environment and mindset needed. That means making a space that is my own, yes I'm married, yes I understand that means I need to be considerate, but I am also an individual and need that 'me' time and space. I am aware of the massive balancing act I have to do, it won't be easy but I am not going to back down in key areas of my life now.

See back at the beginning of this post I mentioned changes, those feelings of being more alive etc. Today I had a real breakthrough, nobody really gave it much thought but I did. I got angry with my wife, perfectly normal, couples argue and have disagreements. But that is the point, I got angry, I didn't shut down emotionally and I didn't go into a full blown tantrum like I usually do. No I just got angry and I was able to experience that anger in a way that I am aware is normal.Years of therapy, different meds and within weeks of this new med, I'm able to my foot off the peddle and allow myself to feel angry. You can not imagine how that made me feel, it was such a wonderful experience, ok not the best emotion but still, it was not amplified in any way. If that is a taste of things to come I am not letting it go, I don't care what it costs me and I know how that sounds but I can't let that stop me. I am as I said, I need to focus on me for a change and stop thinking about other people, no matter how much I love them or in the case of my neighbours, hate them. I have to get to that point where I can live a life that is full and not a life that a series of what if's and never realised.

Routines?

Life goes on and things change, often these things are a mixed bag of nuts to say the least, but lately, its been pretty good for me. So what's been occurring as they say, my new medication is seemingly working well, I say seemingly based on the fact that I've been here before. By here I mean fairly stable, with occasional excursions to the high part of my personality. Its really nice, got lots of perks, I am sleeping better than I have in years, I'm feeling myself again, brain doesn't feel like sludge and so on and so forth. Downside, man is it hard to focus all that usefulness!

I've mentioned it a dozen times how I find it hard to stay focused, worse I find it hard to organise things. I am that one friend who has insane ideas, but that's often where it ends, ideas. Like the artillery man in Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds, there is a massive gap between what I can imagine and what I can actually do. Its painfully annoying, to the point where I have actually got myself into a situation that has sent me into a spiral of anxiety that sadly leads to me hitting depression avenue in no time. Thing is, I have tried to be organised, I have tried so hard to do things in a manner that keeps me up to date. You know what my biggest enemy is, SLEEP!

Oh the irony of it I swear, I need to sleep well and have a good sleep routine, otherwise all sorts of problems occur. But with that comes a huge price for me, I do all my best stuff at night, when everyone else is sleeping, I find it easier to edit photo's, plan ideas out and actually do a lot of the organisation I need to do for my hobbies as a whole. But if I sleep well, those hours are lost to me and yes I could move them into the day, but there is a key problem, PEOPLE!

I can't work on anything if in the back of my mind I'm expecting the phone to ring, my wife to ask me to help with something or even just check in on me to see if I need anything. Its stupid when I say it loud, but its the truth, I can not work when there is activity around me. Trust me on this, I've tried to, I've shut myself in my little spare room that is in effect my little office and the first time a phone rings, a pm lands or even a knock on the door happens, I'm instantly lost. The really funny part is, a big reason is I love people, love socialising when I can because I have people around me I want to be around and lets be fair, many of them actually understand me better than I understand myself if I'm being honest. And I honestly feel, due to that, when the phone rings, when I'm asked to help or even asked if things are ok, I feel the need to address it. Not because its some chore I need to do, but because I am that sort of person, I like to be involved.

So this all means one simple thing, I neglect my own things in the pursuit of helping out others, that's what the reality is and trust me on this, I would NEVER change that. For me, helping out, being available and just being kind make up who I am, to go against it is just insulting who I am. But what about what I said, about not being able to do things. Well straight up I need to figure it out, if this sleep pattern is permanent, then I have lost that 'me' time that I have clung to so hard over the years. Reality check for me, that 'me' time can exist at any time of day, but I need to find a way to shut out the world for a few hours to do it, that is not easy when you don't want to do that. But I need that time, and if I don't figure it out soon I know its going to bite me on the arse and hold on tightly. Because without my outlets, without that creative time I will quickly find myself not doing anything I want to do. I'll fail to organise, I'll let time slide by and I'll be smiling the whole time as I'll be giving my time to people I want to give it to.

But that is not going to be good for me, and I have to be selfish for a change here, I have to say I need that time for me. Because that bite on the arse will lead me to the before mentioned anxiety central and straight on to depression. The question now boils down to how the hell I do that, because I have the same number of hours in the day, there is no difference there. I'm just sleeping at night now. It comes back to organisation, routine, I need a new one, one that works for me as in it needs to address my need for 'me' time and my need to be there for the people I love. Because both are equally important and both if neglected will result in a version of me that will be lost to all and back to square one.

Part two, as promised!

Bit of an odd week, on the one hand, I achieved certain goals, found out some great news but also find myself in a strange mindset. By that I simply mean that for someone who in all honesty, should be dancing around the room full of the joys of life, I find myself in a mood that can be described as melancholy. I don't seem to be feeling the happiness I should be having, its like its again shut off from me and I'm inside some glass box able to view it, but never really touch it. Yeah, odd is the right word, because I don't feel depressed in the slightest, if anything just a little anxiety about finishing off a big project.

So what am I going to talk about today, well I guess we can get around to that part two of things I love and the stuff that dreams are made of. So I'm going to talk about my photography, well if that is what you can call it, I know there is a massive debate about what that is these days. Quickly highlight that point, as it is very important for this blog, since the invention of the digital camera and software programs like photoshop, the line between digital art and photography in my opinion is somewhat blurred. Photography is the art of creating images, the debate is how those images are created or even presented.

Now that is out of the way, one of the reasons I've explained it will come up later, for now, know that I describe myself as an amateur photographer who loves to dabble in digital art. Long winded I know, but it does sum up wonderfully what I do, as my skills are far from professional, and that isn't me being over critical. When you see the things that professionals produce, I'm not even in the same league, and that is a good thing for me, its something to aspire to. So I need to break down that long winded description don't I?

Forest Scene - Pure camera work here, no edit

I oddly took loved photography from a young age, but never really pursued it, again that situation where I could take really good photo's believe it or not but nobody really showed a huge interest. I remember my mother being very impressed by a shot I took of a gymnast in mid air using a very basic camera. No motion blur, perfect focus, I tracked her on a trampoline for about a minute, keeping up with her movement to get that shot. Sadly, I didn't really go anywhere with it, it wasn't like I went to my parents 'hey, I love photography, can you get me a good camera'. No, I just moved on, it wasn't really the lack of interest, I honestly from what I remember, just felt that it wasn't for me, I was far more obsessed with science at the time if I'm 100% honest. Anyway, moving forward, I took advantage of a photography adult learners course, learnt all about how the camera works, even learnt how to develop black and white images. I have to admit, that was great fun, but again, my interest, it was fun to learn but I had my sights set on something different. You'll see that a lot with me to, get an idea, think its good but then something shiny comes along and I'm chasing a new dream, it was the reality of untreated and undiagnosed bipolar.

So the history lesson over, I didn't bother for ages, years went by, but I eventually found myself in the company of various people who did a little photography, mostly as a hobby, some as professionals. These ranged from a wonderful friend who is my evil twin as I call her to cosplay friends. Yeah, through seeing amazing nature photography to taking part in cosplay shoots, I started to get that itch that initially made me want to take pictures. Only now, I was far more stable, I understood what it was about the art form that attracted me, it was that ability to capture an image. Didn't have a camera though and this was the weird setup that led me to owning one, because after you read that, you won't see it coming trust me.

Both my wife and I love astronomy, and after a while, and due to a certain evil twin, we got our passion rekindled. We watched the new 'stargazing live' and from that, we bought a lovely reflector telescope, can you see where this is going?

You guessed it, I wasn't the only one interested in photography, so was my wife and she really wanted to try out some astrophotography. So we set out, we saved up, asked around and got a great little canon camera for us to share. Lovely little semi-professional dslr, our first real digital camera, something we both had to get used to. Turned out I didn't, my wife picked it up really quickly, she has the most amazing eye and was snapping pics, using the manual options and taking command of the camera. I was using the same, taking photo's and failing entirely to even get one in focus shot, yeah I know I could have used the auto features, but that's not going to produce the shots I want. Well, I nearly gave up again, really was about to pack it in until my dad offered me an old slr camera with a good set of lenses. Only problem it was a Nikon, no good for our current digital model, but I had the brainwave, what if I buy a Nikon body, use the lenses as I know from research that the old lenses fit the newer bodies, just no auto focus. So, a little bit poorer, but it was the right move, seriously within mere moments of getting the camera and trying out the lenses, I was nailing shot after shot of birds in my mothers garden, I lost hours. I felt amazing, turned out that the interface on the Nikon was Richard proof, in other words it was less complicated but offered me quick and easy control to switch between settings, something I had failed to do on the canon.

Rosemary by firelight - Again nothing fancy, just silhouette no edit

Since then I have been honing my skills, taking photo's of anything I can, from landscape to models, I even got to take part in a few big shoots and picked up some awesome tips from professionals I am now fortunate to call friends. Hell if I'm honest, two of them in particular have heavily influenced my style. And then came the real breakthrough, the one that took my photo's into the area I really want to go, photoshop and the ability to edit. I had experience with editing footage, using things like after effects, which when I came to photoshop proved useful as they are not that different in reality. I was able to edit my photo's, create weird art, which I did, and some of it was bloody terrible, I mean seriously bad, but I loved the attempts. And that was the point, every attempt, every new shoot, every moment I spent tweaking, I got better. I went from making something that personally a primary school kid could do these days to something that may not professional, but I can be at least a little proud of. See I suck at art, I can't sketch, barely paint, ok I can sculpt pretty well but that's not the point. Photography, along with digital media, had finally given me a way to express my artistic side, yeah its weird, I may have more miss than hit but the whole thing is still me being able to do something I otherwise would never dream of.

Landscape - Now this is edited, not heavily, but I'm still learning

In only a few years I've gone from fiddling with images, trying my best to being asked to attend shoots while also organising my own. Can you imagine that?

This guy who couldn't stay focused, now has the chance to work on shoots he'd only dreamt about. The most amazing part is I get to work with friends and even make new ones through it. I've done some bonkers shoots from boudoir to aliens. I've had fun days out, where I've got to photography glow worms, red kites and even a fun bug hunt in my own garden so my wife, myself and a good dear friend could do macro photography (look it up, its fun) on the things we could find. So what has happened is after years, of not being to express myself I now have multiple things, yeah I highlight cosplay and photography as they are huge factors in my life. But that is far from all and in reality I need to add a third thing, something I can discuss in a part three of this blog, my love of nature and the wonderful friend who has helped it blossom.

I've thrown a few random images in this instalment, they are just examples of my work in photography, I stuck to the basic images as a lot of my more weird ones include models and I'd rather have permission before showing them in my blog. Something to add to my to do list!.

Good News Everybody!

Finally, after many years and I mean years of fighting the system I actually have something positive happening in regards to my treatment. Its taken my wife and I a long time, butting our heads against the wall of a system that has suffered cuts, incompetence at times and frankly a failure in its duty of care. I know those last two are harsh and this is the NHS, but seriously, anyone who is currently dealing with this system will at least have one horror story I can tell you.

Anyway, to the point, the good point, after all the fighting to get things done, things are finally moving in the right direction and all it took in the end was two key people who actually listened. My medication is now being changed, no more lithium, as I mentioned before, the stuff was killing me, now I'm being taken off it and put on depakote which although isn't perfect, isn't going to kill me. That's the start, the other far more amazing outcome is that I am now, officially under the mental health community care team. So, from this point on, we have additional support, no more confusion about who is supposed to be seeing me and no more of the who is in charge of my overall care.

How on earth did all this come about?

My last crisis moment, the one I mentioned in previous blog, it led to this whole situation because things just got beyond a joke. But it was two moments in this that stand out from all others, the first was a crisis nurse who had been transferred to my local team to help cover. This nurse was amazing, she was shocked at the treatment I have endured and could not understand why things were as they were. She even used the word I have associated with the last 10 years, being in limbo, not knowing what is what. So she set out a plan of action, here at my own home. She wanted me under the community mental health team, she wanted a medication review and most of all she wanted clarification of my actual treatment. I'll admit, I thought, 'yeah heard all this before' and completely dismissed her at the time. But this amazing woman, within days had arranged for me to see the psych for the medication review, started the ball rolling to get me into the community mental health team and before she had to go back to her previous post, reassured me that things would get done.

Now you may remember me having a rant about visits not happening when I was in crisis, this was the case after she finished. For the whole six week period I was lucky if I got a phone call and I they even lied about trying to contact us. The problem with this was that my application to the team was now in the hands of the same idiots that sadly have let me down before. Heart sunk, old fears returned, but something else came along to help me with that, it came in the form of who was doing my medication review.

I was lucky enough, extremely lucky actually to have a professor of psychiatry review me medication. This man had been brought out of retirement in order to help the current team as they were very much understaffed. Little note on that under staffed part, its amazing how they like to remind you of that fact when you feel suicidal and thinking you are a burden to people, just think about that for a moment, you'll understand why both my wife and I have had the urge to murder them. Back to point though, the professor, this man surprised me, remember at this point I had given up all hope, I wanted to die, didn't see any point in going on. This man walked in, took us to a private room and without the aid of a computer talked to us. Now that part is important, as every appointment I have the psych will pull up my file and spend two minutes flicking over it. He didn't need to, he'd already prepped for the meeting and read my notes fully and was in effect just as shocked as we were at things. This is how I found out that my psoriasis that was caused directly by my lithium, should have been stopped there and then, not increased time and time again. I will say he wasn't perfect, he did give me a medication that once I read the leaflet and asked questions proved to be dangerous to me due to my family history of multiple conditions.

Anyway, time ticked on, crisis team kept telling me they were having issues with getting me the help from community mental health and that it was being blocked by a consultant for some reason. Turned out that was utter nonsense as when i had my last appointment, the one where I am officially coming off Lithium with the wonderful professor he politely informed me that the team should be involved as I am a secondary care patient and he is completely at a loss why they would not be involved. Just days after this appointment I get a phone call from the crisis team, which were supposed to do the last home visit, to cancel that visit, discharge me but also announce, I am now under the community mental health team. I can't be sure, but the sheer timing to me suggests there was a question raised and nobody could answer and boom, I'm in.

So right now, things are looking good, I'm also referred for a more advanced form of CBT to help me cope with recent developments in my condition. Being honest I'm going to need something as one other great thing about the professor, he's honest. He told me, without any shadow of a doubt, this new med might not work and I may have to face life dealing with my condition in more challenging ways. I know I've mentioned a fair bit of this in a previous blog, but this is more an update. I have some hope, someone finally grabbed my hand and pull me up out of the waters of the limbo I was in. Lets just hope it doesn't fall apart due to the stupidity and I seriously mean that, I don't care if it is the NHS, there has been so many mistakes I'm allowed to have a rant about it!

Crisis Zone! (Warning - Suicide content)

Quietly, thinking to myself...hang on that's not right, sure that's the lyrics to a song by fingers eleven! Lets try that again, I'm sat here, quietly, thinking about the last  couple of months, in particular the last two. See this blog hasn't covered quite a few recent events, one of which was me hitting rock bottom and feeling suicidal. I don't say that lightly either, I was pretty damn low to say the least, staring into an abyss that was threatening to just drag me into the depths of whatever fresh hell was waiting at the bottom. I've experienced this before, in the sense that I wanted to end it all, had two very powerful reasons that tend to do the round trip on me. One is when my psychosis become so overwhelming that being alive is just a living hell with no hope of escape. Imagine for a moment my voices all screaming so loudly I can't hear anything but them, I am seeing things appear before that are so horrifying that I am too afraid to open my eyes and to top it off I feel like somebody is drilling a hole into my brain. Yeah, that is how it feels during those times, thankfully very rare at those levels, plus everytime it happens, I get a little more savvy to it. Then there is number two on that list, the moment where I hate myself so much, that I convince myself its not worth going on, that everyone actually would be better off without me ever existing. You know that phrase thrown as an insult 'I wish you were never born' well I feel like I shouldn't have been during such times. Its a crippling depression, driven by anxiety that just pushes you to make that decision to end all decisions.

Well recently I had a new and far more disturbing third option happen to me, yes the list got bigger and I'm actually still scared about how badly it affected me. I hit a point where I didn't want to go on, I wasn't suffering psychosis, I wasn't feeling like life would be better without me in it, no, this was weird. I simply stopped, I didn't want to go on, I had no real feeling in me, I felt numb and detached from the world around me. Now don't get me wrong, that sounds a lot like depression and it is, but for me, I'd never felt it so intensely as this. I had no will left, no strength and I just wanted to end it all. But the weird part, I had no reason to, there was nothing to say 'you really should kill yourself' no it was more like I lost who I was completely. There was nothing left of me, motivation, feeling, just this sense of being completely numb. I was watching the world in slow motion, nothing sparked any reaction in me, no real emotion and even if it did I felt so far away from it I may as well be staring across the ocean. So why on earth would that make me feel suicidal, surely I would just shut down and just not care right?

What triggered the suicidal feeling is you have to remember I'm bipolar, I'm used to emotion, feeling and although its really messed up and not balanced, that is what makes me, well me. Imagine if you are used to feeling emotion so intensely that it threatens to overwhelm you on a daily basis and the only thing keeping it in check is your medication and coping skills. It becomes your normal everyday routine, but to have that suddenly gone, sucked away as if some kind of emotion sucking vampire visited you in your sleep and forgot to finish you off completely. It was insane, I felt completely alone and isolated, and in this numbed state, in this moment of absolute nothingness, the voices. Oh yeah they didn't waste any time in this, I had it all thrown at me but one just hit me hard and it was simply put. One whispered, just loud enough to be heard 'see, you are broken, why go on?'

It was right to, I was broken, that is what happened, all the nonsense, all the bullshit I had put up with trying to just live life in some way that isn't just about coping. I broke, stopped, crashed, however you want to say it somehow I managed to feel so utterly removed from my life that it was nothing more than a distant memory. And slowly, due to that voice, those feelings of isolation began to swell to the point where I thought to myself, in the most rational way ever, why not end it?

It made perfect sense, after all if you look at is, my health isn't getting better, my mental health will in the end get worse and no matter how much I sugar coat it, its hurting those around me. I know people will argue, but trust me, few of you know the other sides of this, the parts where I am no longer me and something that is purely irrational and at times a monster. I sat there, thinking to myself how easy it would be, I even started to type up a suicide note to explain how this was different, so Elizabeth would understand that I wasn't in pain and that it was the right thing for me to do. Can you imagine that, just calmly typing the reasons you are dead and hoping that those reading it would understand your rational explanation. I justified it perfectly, what better time to go than like this, while I was not in any pain and calm.

Then another voice kicked in, not my hallucinations, my own inner voice, reminding me that I swore if I felt like killing myself I would talk. I hate breaking a promise, I avoid it at all costs, so I remembered, deleted the suicide note and decided to tell my wife that I wasn't right, something felt wrong, I felt broken. I explained that I had thoughts of ending it all. This naturally led to the call to the hospital for crisis team, which you'd think would be simple right?

Nope, never simple, first you got to jump the hoop of getting through to them, then you have to have them tell your wife that in order to help they need to speak to me on the phone, even though at this point I am now unable to even muster a sentence, but they insist that unless I do speak, they won't do anything. Its only after my wife gets upset that they even bother to say they will, but add 'oh can you get him down here' and when told we don't have a car they seem to think someone in my state can travel by bus (oh middle of the night, no buses). Eventually, after hours have passed, I get down there, I can't even quite remember how, may have been a good friend, taxi, I honestly can't remember right now as its still a little blurry. If it was a friend, I'm so sorry for not mentioning you and forgetting. That leads to me being eventually seen, by a doctor and a nurse who seem to have no idea what to do, when told by my wife what has happened previously, lets say it left them even more confused. That's a long story I'll get into in another blog entry, its a fun one but lets say my history with the crisis team is rather amusing and insulting.

In the end, I'm discharged, given meds I need to take, told they are ok and will cause me no harm. Good job I check things, I didn't like the mention in the side effects that this medication should be given to anyone with bipolar disorder. Turned out to be a good call to, as I was told they should NEVER had given to me in the first place and don't understand why they were. Finally I got to a professor, yes not a doctor, not a consultant, a professor that had been pulled out of retirement. This man is good, I'll give credit there, he is the one now taking me off lithium, a man who has told me the truth more than anyone else in the mental health department has in the last 10 years. I jumped a bit there, but I'll come back to point!

The crisis team, they arranged home visits, to come and make sure I'm ok, through these home visits I find out that somehow, I am no longer under the community mental health team. Even though I had previously been told repeatedly I am. Imagine my confusion when they even state I am an outpatient when I just came out of an appointment with my psych who stated I'm a secondary care patient. Home visits became a joke then, going from twice a week to not at all for a week, not seen the same person more than twice and even though I am supposed to be closely monitored for six weeks I have effectively seen my crisis team around five times and oddly we're on week eight. Yeah, week eight as they've not been able to discharge me as they have not been able to have someone pop over to do the final visit. Add to that we get random letters and phonecalls saying 'we have been trying to contact you' and when ringing them back they are saying one particular nurse has been trying to ring us. Odd however that we have answer phones on both our mobiles and the house phone, not to mention caller display and not even an unknown or withheld number has come up. Either this nurse is ringing the wrong number, or frankly, somebody is lying through their teeth at the expense of my wife and I's sanity. Now back to the community mental health team, after being I'm not in it, only a few days ago, I was told by that lovely professor that it makes no sense, I should be and there is no reason he can see why I'm not. He was as confused as we were as he thought I'd just not understood that I should be in it and he had assumed I already was.

Well tomorrow I have that final visit apparently, with news of what is happening with the team, so I am sat here thinking about what is going to happen and how I'm going to deal with it. Because I'll confess, I'm not fully healed, I still feel fragile and to find out that nothing is happening to help me and my wife, especially with the change of medication that is happening. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I seem to fighting a system that should be helping and whats worse it seems to be fighting with itself in terms of who is doing what.

Now I know I've really laid into the NHS mental health department in this, I don't mean to attack something that is run by good people struggling with running the thing in the first place due to the pressures put on them by cuts etc. But they have failed me again and again in ways that make little to no sense, its seemingly all down to miscommunication pure neglect at points. We are talking about a department that once forgot about me for over 13 months where I had no appointments. I actually had to arrange on my own back with my GP to have my lithium levels monitors in a clinic that was not equipped to do so. So as much as I love the NHS, no matter how much I respect the staff, they need to sort it out, because I'm lucky, I have my wife, family, friends supporting me, imagine the people who don't?

They are the people you see on the news, the ones that didn't make it or broke trying.

Shoot to thrill and thrill no more.

I had a pretty good two days, yes I realise I didn't post anything yesterday, but in my defence, no access to this PC just my phone, and blogging via a phone is hard to do. So what's new, spent time with my mother, which I have to say was nice as I don't spend enough time down with her frankly. Bonus I get to fuss the old boy known as Barney (my mums lovely little dog) who although getting on a bit, still has moments of madness. So yeah, yesterday was quiet, which was needed and I feel a lot better for it.

Now we move onto today, today I got to do something I love, I mentioned it in a previous blog and I realise I've not done the part two to that one yet. I had a photo shoot with a fantastic friend and awesome model who not only did me a huge favour by modelling for me today but also brought her partner who was amazing himself. I'm a step closer to finishing a project I want to get done by Halloween and its almost looking complete. Yeah had a few issues, mostly down to various things including time, availability and most of all my terrible organisational skills.

Anyway, shoot went REALLY well, go some cracking images and it did my confidence the world of good. I love photography, yeah I'm no professional, I'm a hobbyist and an amateur one at that, but I'm learning and enjoying the journey. The more I do, the better I'll get and who knows, maybe one day I'll do something I can actually be proud of in my own self. Which is going to bring me back around to an issue I mentioned before, me, hating me and hating the things I do.

I've only ever had one bit of bad feedback on a photo shoot, I was starting out, made the huge mistake of thinking its just point and click, I had no idea to be honest what I was doing. But as time went on, I took a lot more photos, people seem to like them, in fact a lot loved them and praised them. Problem there is I don't see it with their eyes, I see it with my own judgemental eyes and see nothing but mistakes, shoddy work and badly produced images. That is me getting in the way of me, hating what I do, no matter how much people tell me otherwise, I find it so hard to like anything I create. I know where it comes from and I know I've already talked about it, me looking for validation while also thinking constantly, I can do better because of events in my childhood and pretty much in my adulthood.

But I am not going to let this blog go all negative, I achieved goals today, I also had the bonus of working with a female and male model dynamic that offered so much potential. Again, I'm damn lucky to know the people I know and even more so to call them friends. I honestly need to get out and do more, I have who really want to work with me and I just can't seem to get myself going when I need to. And there you go, the eureka moment as I typed that sentence!

I need to get organised, I need to get out more and I need to take advantage of the rare opportunities that are presented to me. To do it though, I need to focus and also get handy with my craft skills, I have access to a studio now and that allows a lot more versatility to my work. I have access to tools, a workshop so why on earth am I not building props all the time, why do I mostly sit on my arse here in this house and do very little actual work?

Answer to question, my mental health, there are days I just can not function and those days are alarmingly frequent. But the real annoyance is going to end soon, the lithium, it is the fly in the ointment of everything I do. Imagine if you will, you are getting excited, you feel creativity flowing, you start to feel very happy and the energy level starts to drive upwards. Well for me, that happens, then I hit a brick wall made of lithium, it is designed to do that, stop me in my tracks. It prevents my manic phases but the like a double edged sword, it stops me doing something stupid while also stopping me doing anything with that energy full stop. I live in an emotional limbo, never quite feeling happy, never quite being excited by anything. Its there, but its distant, think of it like moving in water, everything is slowed down, dulled, the sound is muffled. But as I said, its going to end, does this mean finally, after years of not being to do much I might be able to do more?

That is my hope, the thing I actually dare to dream of, having the energy to do the things I want to do. Build props, use them in everything from cosplay to photo shoots. In turn I get to do what I love and the real bonus, I get to make people happy. I like that second part, don't get me wrong, I'd do what I love anyway, otherwise there would be point to it if it wasn't for myself in some way. But I do appreciate the fact I can give something back to, to the people who have always shown me kindness. This is really an odd one isn't, like its two different things crammed together to make sense out of some third weird thing that I don't quite fully understand.

That third thing, is purely me longing to be better, better than I am, both in health and in the things I do. I've suffered so much due to my health this year, I don't help the situation, I am overweight, I smoke and I find it hard to motivate myself. But I want to get there, to be better, to not having aching legs, to not feel locked inside a box and most importantly, to be free, free to focus on the things that matter in my life without worry. So I'm going to leave this blog as it is, I reckon I'll do that part two tomorrow and talk about exactly why I love photography so much. Yes, that's what I'll do!