God damn sneaky depression, I just thought I was having a low energy day! But no, you had to wiggle in my ear and start whispering didn't you! I know I've had a few weeks of real stability, but if all it takes is being is another unrealised dream then its not real stability is it?
The sheer frustration involved in simply thinking about that question is enough to drive me bonkers tonight I can tell you. Its unfair, I know I may sound like a child throwing a tantrum but seriously, it is completely, without fail, unfair. I have had years of this nonsense, this repeated cycle of feeling ready to move forward with my life only to have the rug pulled from under me. And its equally bonkers because the source of all this is directed at me facing a situation I really didn't think would cause so much upset. I do wonder how people cope, those who have no mental illness, those who are apparently stable. Because right now I want to scream, shout and throw an absolute fit if I'm honest.
I'm not even ashamed to admit it either, why the hell do I end up giving up on the things I want just to keep the peace?
It needs to stop, this needs to stop but I also know I can't have my cake and eat it, that is also completely insane. I can't go through life with a 'I want' attitude only to feel this way whenever I can't have something or am told by no uncertain terms no. But as an adult, as a person with desires and ambitions, I am surely allowed something right?
This is a side of depression that confuses me, because how can I be angry and depressed?
It has high elements to,the whole manic 'I will do what I want and sod the consequences' aspect. But it is depression, its that standing under the sword of Damocles and waiting for the thread to snap as it plunges down through my very soul. I am fed up, that's the reality, I think that is what caused my last crisis moment, what triggered the breakdown. I found myself for the first time in years, able to look forward and as soon as I do, it is taken away from me. Sometimes by my own actions, sometimes by the actions of those closest to me and sometimes just by the world being a shitty place.
I don't know, maybe this is just the whole 'been through a rough patch' thing that is just now really sinking in. My photography work is constantly hitting walls I can't breach, mainly due to the constraints of lacking my own real space to use. But that is a minor thing, I have access to an awesome space thanks to a great friend, so I have options, I just need to rethink and not be so ambitious. But that there is a sensible thing, its not that I've been told no, its just that the reality of it is, its beyond my ability right now. That's it, that's the point here, I'm not upset at the things beyond my control, I'm upset because the things I can control are taken away from me and I'm not even given a choice.
Choice is the key word, I am pretty much the person who will help anyone and I expect nothing in return, I even shun compliments and any kind of adoration pointed in my direction. I'll be honest, I find it very hard to deal with, I help and do kind things because for me, its normal, its just who I am and to be rewarded in any way detracts from it. But have I been wrong this whole time?
Is this sense of frustration I feel me actually crying up to the heavens 'where is my reward?'
I don't want much, I don't want anything from anyone other than to be treated as I treat them. I am the person who doesn't say no if you have a dream, I'm the person who will get on board and help you aim for that dream. May not make it, might never happen but I'll be damned if I will ever say 'no' to that dream. To rob a person of their dream is to take something precious from them, but I do know that is also not always possible to prevent. There are times where a persons dream could lead them into trouble, as a friend, a partner or a family member, those are the times we say no. I know that's a contradiction of the previous 'but I will be damned' but its also a reality I can not ignore. But we shouldn't mock the dream and more often than not, most dreams are harmless and easily achieved. I've got a few myself, really easy to achieve and in time I will, I want to do a H R Giger type shoot for my photography. Its not out there, its not dangerous but it is something that requires work and effort to achieve plus a whole host of support. That's it, support, got the word in the end, you should always be supportive of dreams, they may never happen but it doesn't mean you can't say 'go for it'.
And that brings us back to my frustration, I have another dream, one I've had since childhood, and I'm faced with the dilemma that it may never be realised even though for the first time in many years I'm actually in a position to make it happen with very little effort. It's silly, its really not worth losing sleep over but yet I find myself back to the beginning of this post and on reflection, back to the beginning of my crisis. Because, on a rare occasion I am willing to fight and not back down, even though I have done so before, I am feeling like a villain. That is not how it should be, that is not how support, dreams and ambitions should make you feel. So if this is depression, sneaking up on me over this situation, all my previous weeks of work have meant nothing. Because the truth is, a simple 'no' is all it took to erode ground beneath me, cut the string above me and leave me to figure out whether I'm going to fall on my face and die by a sword in my heart.
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