Emotion, funny old thing for me if I'm honest about it. As a bipolar I live with the constant extremes of mood, which means my emotions are all tied into that. I rarely stay in the middle, its the bane of my life as I have to be constantly aware of my thoughts and how they make me feel. But recently, with my change of meds, something has changed, but I'm not entirely sure about it.
Putting it in words isn't easy either, but I will try my best!
Lately I have felt more alive, more aware and most of all less worried about things. Its like somebody took all the caution I had about my condition and said 'you relax, we got this'. I've felt stable, I feel creative and I feel more than anything else, free, yes that is the word, free. I have new sense of freedom and its something I've not had in many years and its fantastic, or so I thought. See that not worrying thing didn't last, because now I have to ask myself a very serious question, what on earth does this mean?
Really shouldn't be asking if I'm honest, why not just enjoy this feeling of freedom and go with the flow?
But there is a catch, the more freedom I feel, the less inclined I am to put up with things. My life, even up to now has been a series of compromises, I've given up things to have other things for example. But I rarely actually get what I really want, I have almost steered clear of for some reason I have never really understood. I guess some of it is I'm afraid to offend people, another part is I don't want to rock the boat and a whole hoard of similar things. But with this newly felt freedom from the demon of my condition, I have those urges again, those wants, desires, the ambition to realise my dreams. And boom, there is the problem right there, the moment I decide to try that, I ALWAYS hit a wall and I'm usually the one who left backing down and not ultimately doing the things that bring me joy.
I have given up a lot in my life, that isn't me trying to sound like some martyr, its a fact and often it was essential for life at the time. I'll give a great example, I once lived in a lovely, nicely sized and very comfortable flat. I adored that flat, I felt completely at ease and it had the benefit of being close to my parents so if anything was wrong, I could get there in seconds (yeah it was that close). But as life would have it, I start to lay down roots, my wife moves in, all seems well. But it wasn't, within months, I couldn't go out unless either my wife came with me or had somewhere else to go. Now before that sounds off, its not what is sounds like trust me, not the actions of a controlling individual, no this was different. The fact was, our nice, comfortable flat had now become a place of unease and at times, danger. In just months we had everything from one neighbour trying to steal a parcel right up to an idiot, with a loaded gun roaming the stairwell. Now I'll put this in perspective, the stairwell was the only way in and out, no emergency exits existed and here we have a guy, drunk out of his mind, with a loaded gun pointed at the only way in. I reported this particular incident, which led to months of hell as we get threatening phonecalls, the same idiot harassing us and in general the whole area feeling more and more like a nightmare. So now you understand why my wife was not exactly eager to be left alone there and wanting desperately to move away.
So that was forced compromise and that is how my life tends to go, its not a choice, I seldom get those. Anyway, moved from that flat to this house, which frankly I have never really felt comfortable in, but the views and the street, its worth a little discomfort if I'm honest. I guess I'm losing the point of this and I need to get to it, but these little stories do tie in. My current neighbours have made it so uncomfortable for me to be in my own garden that I stopped wanting to be out there. Can you imagine that?
I'm faced, with people who seem hell bent on just making me feel like I shouldn't be doing something or being somewhere, that is the point I need to get to. So I'll set things straight here quickly, its not the house that is uncomfortable, its the fact that I feel trapped in it. Anyway back on track, its so hard to put this in words and I think part of it is I don't want to offend.
So this new freedom, what it means, what it is doing to me and why I had to explain about compromise. I am past the point now of caring about compromise, I am past the point of worrying about what others think. My new neighbours can politely fuck off and keep their judgemental glances away from me as I reclaim my garden over the next few months. I am now NOT going to put up with people who claim to say what they think but don't have the spine to actually do it. I am through with compromise to, the only reason I will do that now is if its needed not because it might offend of ruffle a few feathers. I have a real chance here to beat my bipolar and to do that I need to create the environment and mindset needed. That means making a space that is my own, yes I'm married, yes I understand that means I need to be considerate, but I am also an individual and need that 'me' time and space. I am aware of the massive balancing act I have to do, it won't be easy but I am not going to back down in key areas of my life now.
See back at the beginning of this post I mentioned changes, those feelings of being more alive etc. Today I had a real breakthrough, nobody really gave it much thought but I did. I got angry with my wife, perfectly normal, couples argue and have disagreements. But that is the point, I got angry, I didn't shut down emotionally and I didn't go into a full blown tantrum like I usually do. No I just got angry and I was able to experience that anger in a way that I am aware is normal.Years of therapy, different meds and within weeks of this new med, I'm able to my foot off the peddle and allow myself to feel angry. You can not imagine how that made me feel, it was such a wonderful experience, ok not the best emotion but still, it was not amplified in any way. If that is a taste of things to come I am not letting it go, I don't care what it costs me and I know how that sounds but I can't let that stop me. I am as I said, I need to focus on me for a change and stop thinking about other people, no matter how much I love them or in the case of my neighbours, hate them. I have to get to that point where I can live a life that is full and not a life that a series of what if's and never realised.
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