Routines?

Life goes on and things change, often these things are a mixed bag of nuts to say the least, but lately, its been pretty good for me. So what's been occurring as they say, my new medication is seemingly working well, I say seemingly based on the fact that I've been here before. By here I mean fairly stable, with occasional excursions to the high part of my personality. Its really nice, got lots of perks, I am sleeping better than I have in years, I'm feeling myself again, brain doesn't feel like sludge and so on and so forth. Downside, man is it hard to focus all that usefulness!

I've mentioned it a dozen times how I find it hard to stay focused, worse I find it hard to organise things. I am that one friend who has insane ideas, but that's often where it ends, ideas. Like the artillery man in Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds, there is a massive gap between what I can imagine and what I can actually do. Its painfully annoying, to the point where I have actually got myself into a situation that has sent me into a spiral of anxiety that sadly leads to me hitting depression avenue in no time. Thing is, I have tried to be organised, I have tried so hard to do things in a manner that keeps me up to date. You know what my biggest enemy is, SLEEP!

Oh the irony of it I swear, I need to sleep well and have a good sleep routine, otherwise all sorts of problems occur. But with that comes a huge price for me, I do all my best stuff at night, when everyone else is sleeping, I find it easier to edit photo's, plan ideas out and actually do a lot of the organisation I need to do for my hobbies as a whole. But if I sleep well, those hours are lost to me and yes I could move them into the day, but there is a key problem, PEOPLE!

I can't work on anything if in the back of my mind I'm expecting the phone to ring, my wife to ask me to help with something or even just check in on me to see if I need anything. Its stupid when I say it loud, but its the truth, I can not work when there is activity around me. Trust me on this, I've tried to, I've shut myself in my little spare room that is in effect my little office and the first time a phone rings, a pm lands or even a knock on the door happens, I'm instantly lost. The really funny part is, a big reason is I love people, love socialising when I can because I have people around me I want to be around and lets be fair, many of them actually understand me better than I understand myself if I'm being honest. And I honestly feel, due to that, when the phone rings, when I'm asked to help or even asked if things are ok, I feel the need to address it. Not because its some chore I need to do, but because I am that sort of person, I like to be involved.

So this all means one simple thing, I neglect my own things in the pursuit of helping out others, that's what the reality is and trust me on this, I would NEVER change that. For me, helping out, being available and just being kind make up who I am, to go against it is just insulting who I am. But what about what I said, about not being able to do things. Well straight up I need to figure it out, if this sleep pattern is permanent, then I have lost that 'me' time that I have clung to so hard over the years. Reality check for me, that 'me' time can exist at any time of day, but I need to find a way to shut out the world for a few hours to do it, that is not easy when you don't want to do that. But I need that time, and if I don't figure it out soon I know its going to bite me on the arse and hold on tightly. Because without my outlets, without that creative time I will quickly find myself not doing anything I want to do. I'll fail to organise, I'll let time slide by and I'll be smiling the whole time as I'll be giving my time to people I want to give it to.

But that is not going to be good for me, and I have to be selfish for a change here, I have to say I need that time for me. Because that bite on the arse will lead me to the before mentioned anxiety central and straight on to depression. The question now boils down to how the hell I do that, because I have the same number of hours in the day, there is no difference there. I'm just sleeping at night now. It comes back to organisation, routine, I need a new one, one that works for me as in it needs to address my need for 'me' time and my need to be there for the people I love. Because both are equally important and both if neglected will result in a version of me that will be lost to all and back to square one.