Frustration vs Choice

God damn sneaky depression, I just thought I was having a low energy day! But no, you had to wiggle in my ear and start whispering didn't you! I know I've had a few weeks of real stability, but if all it takes is being is another unrealised dream then its not real stability is it?

The sheer frustration involved in simply thinking about that question is enough to drive me bonkers tonight I can tell you. Its unfair, I know I may sound like a child throwing a tantrum but seriously, it is completely, without fail, unfair. I have had years of this nonsense, this repeated cycle of feeling ready to move forward with my life only to have the rug pulled from under me. And its equally bonkers because the source of all this is directed at me facing a situation I really didn't think would cause so much upset. I do wonder how people cope, those who have no mental illness, those who are apparently stable. Because right now I want to scream, shout and throw an absolute fit if I'm honest.



I'm not even ashamed to admit it either, why the hell do I end up giving up on the things I want just to keep the peace?

It needs to stop, this needs to stop but I also know I can't have my cake and eat it, that is also completely insane. I can't go through life with a 'I want' attitude only to feel this way whenever I can't have something or am told by no uncertain terms no. But as an adult, as a person with desires and ambitions, I am surely allowed something right?

This is a side of depression that confuses me, because how can I be angry and depressed?

It has high elements to,the whole manic 'I will do what I want and sod the consequences' aspect. But it is depression, its that standing under the sword of Damocles and waiting for the thread to snap as it plunges down through my very soul. I am fed up, that's the reality, I think that is what caused my last crisis moment, what triggered the breakdown. I found myself for the first time in years, able to look forward and as soon as I do, it is taken away from me. Sometimes by my own actions, sometimes by the actions of those closest to me and sometimes just by the world being a shitty place.

I don't know, maybe this is just the whole 'been through a rough patch' thing that is just now really sinking in. My photography work is constantly hitting walls I can't breach, mainly due to the constraints of lacking my own real space to use. But that is a minor thing, I have access to an awesome space thanks to a great friend, so I have options, I just need to rethink and not be so ambitious. But that there is a sensible thing, its not that I've been told no, its just that the reality of it is, its beyond my ability right now. That's it, that's the point here, I'm not upset at the things beyond my control, I'm upset because the things I can control are taken away from me and I'm not even given a choice.

Choice is the key word, I am pretty much the person who will help anyone and I expect nothing in return, I even shun compliments and any kind of adoration pointed in my direction. I'll be honest, I find it very hard to deal with, I help and do kind things because for me, its normal, its just who I am and to be rewarded in any way detracts from it. But have I been wrong this whole time?

Is this sense of frustration I feel me actually crying up to the heavens 'where is my reward?'

I don't want much, I don't want anything from anyone other than to be treated as I treat them. I am the person who doesn't say no if you have a dream, I'm the person who will get on board and help you aim for that dream. May not make it, might never happen but I'll be damned if I will ever say 'no' to that dream. To rob a person of their dream is to take something precious from them, but I do know that is also not always possible to prevent. There are times where a persons dream could lead them into trouble, as a friend, a partner or a family member, those are the times we say no. I know that's a contradiction of the previous 'but I will be damned' but its also a reality I can not ignore. But we shouldn't mock the dream and more often than not, most dreams are harmless and easily achieved. I've got a few myself, really easy to achieve and in time I will, I want to do a H R Giger type shoot for my photography. Its not out there, its not dangerous but it is something that requires work and effort to achieve plus a whole host of support. That's it, support, got the word in the end, you should always be supportive of dreams, they may never happen but it doesn't mean you can't say 'go for it'.



And that brings us back to my frustration, I have another dream, one I've had since childhood, and I'm faced with the dilemma that it may never be realised even though for the first time in many years I'm actually in a position to make it happen with very little effort. It's silly, its really not worth losing sleep over but yet I find myself back to the beginning of this post and on reflection, back to the beginning of my crisis. Because, on a rare occasion I am willing to fight and not back down, even though I have done so before, I am feeling like a villain. That is not how it should be, that is not how support, dreams and ambitions should make you feel. So if this is depression, sneaking up on me over this situation, all my previous weeks of work have meant nothing. Because the truth is, a simple 'no' is all it took to erode ground beneath me, cut the string above me and leave me to figure out whether I'm going to fall on my face and die by a sword in my heart.

The true power of anger

Emotion, funny old thing for me if I'm honest about it. As a bipolar I live with the constant extremes of mood, which means my emotions are all tied into that. I rarely stay in the middle, its the bane of my life as I have to be constantly aware of my thoughts and how they make me feel. But recently, with my change of meds, something has changed, but I'm not entirely sure about it.

Putting it in words isn't easy either, but I will try my best!

Lately I have felt more alive, more aware and most of all less worried about things. Its like somebody took all the caution I had about my condition and said 'you relax, we got this'. I've felt stable, I feel creative and I feel more than anything else, free, yes that is the word, free. I have new sense of freedom and its something I've not had in many years and its fantastic, or so I thought. See that not worrying thing didn't last, because now I have to ask myself a very serious question, what on earth does this mean?

Really shouldn't be asking if I'm honest, why not just enjoy this feeling of freedom and go with the flow?

But there is a catch, the more freedom I feel, the less inclined I am to put up with things. My life, even up to now has been a series of compromises, I've given up things to have other things for example. But I rarely actually get what I really want, I have almost steered clear of for some reason I have never really understood. I guess some of it is I'm afraid to offend people, another part is I don't want to rock the boat and a whole hoard of similar things. But with this newly felt freedom from the demon of my condition, I have those urges again, those wants, desires, the ambition to realise my dreams. And boom, there is the problem right there, the moment I decide to try that, I ALWAYS hit a wall and I'm usually the one who left backing down and not ultimately doing the things that bring me joy.

I have given up a lot in my life, that isn't me trying to sound like some martyr, its a fact and often it was essential for life at the time. I'll give a great example, I once lived in a lovely, nicely sized and very comfortable flat. I adored that flat, I felt completely at ease and it had the benefit of being close to my parents so if anything was wrong, I could get there in seconds (yeah it was that close). But as life would have it, I start to lay down roots, my wife moves in, all seems well. But it wasn't, within months, I couldn't go out unless either my wife came with me or had somewhere else to go. Now before that sounds off, its not what is sounds like trust me, not the actions of a controlling individual, no this was different. The fact was, our nice, comfortable flat had now become a place of unease and at times, danger. In just months we had everything from one neighbour trying to steal a parcel right up to an idiot, with a loaded gun roaming the stairwell. Now I'll put this in perspective, the stairwell was the only way in and out, no emergency exits existed and here we have a guy, drunk out of his mind, with a loaded gun pointed at the only way in. I reported this particular incident, which led to months of hell as we get threatening phonecalls, the same idiot harassing us and in general the whole area feeling more and more like a nightmare. So now you understand why my wife was not exactly eager to be left alone there and wanting desperately to move away.

So that was forced compromise and that is how my life tends to go, its not a choice, I seldom get those. Anyway, moved from that flat to this house, which frankly I have never really felt comfortable in, but the views and the street, its worth a little discomfort if I'm honest. I guess I'm losing the point of this and I need to get to it, but these little stories do tie in. My current neighbours have made it so uncomfortable for me to be in my own garden that I stopped wanting to be out there. Can you imagine that?

I'm faced, with people who seem hell bent on just making me feel like I shouldn't be doing something or being somewhere, that is the point I need to get to. So I'll set things straight here quickly, its not the house that is uncomfortable, its the fact that I feel trapped in it. Anyway back on track, its so hard to put this in words and I think part of it is I don't want to offend.

So this new freedom, what it means, what it is doing to me and why I had to explain about compromise. I am past the point now of caring about compromise, I am past the point of worrying about what others think. My new neighbours can politely fuck off and keep their judgemental glances away from me as I reclaim my garden over the next few months. I am now NOT going to put up with people who claim to say what they think but don't have the spine to actually do it. I am through with compromise to, the only reason I will do that now is if its needed not because it might offend of ruffle a few feathers. I have a real chance here to beat my bipolar and to do that I need to create the environment and mindset needed. That means making a space that is my own, yes I'm married, yes I understand that means I need to be considerate, but I am also an individual and need that 'me' time and space. I am aware of the massive balancing act I have to do, it won't be easy but I am not going to back down in key areas of my life now.

See back at the beginning of this post I mentioned changes, those feelings of being more alive etc. Today I had a real breakthrough, nobody really gave it much thought but I did. I got angry with my wife, perfectly normal, couples argue and have disagreements. But that is the point, I got angry, I didn't shut down emotionally and I didn't go into a full blown tantrum like I usually do. No I just got angry and I was able to experience that anger in a way that I am aware is normal.Years of therapy, different meds and within weeks of this new med, I'm able to my foot off the peddle and allow myself to feel angry. You can not imagine how that made me feel, it was such a wonderful experience, ok not the best emotion but still, it was not amplified in any way. If that is a taste of things to come I am not letting it go, I don't care what it costs me and I know how that sounds but I can't let that stop me. I am as I said, I need to focus on me for a change and stop thinking about other people, no matter how much I love them or in the case of my neighbours, hate them. I have to get to that point where I can live a life that is full and not a life that a series of what if's and never realised.

Routines?

Life goes on and things change, often these things are a mixed bag of nuts to say the least, but lately, its been pretty good for me. So what's been occurring as they say, my new medication is seemingly working well, I say seemingly based on the fact that I've been here before. By here I mean fairly stable, with occasional excursions to the high part of my personality. Its really nice, got lots of perks, I am sleeping better than I have in years, I'm feeling myself again, brain doesn't feel like sludge and so on and so forth. Downside, man is it hard to focus all that usefulness!

I've mentioned it a dozen times how I find it hard to stay focused, worse I find it hard to organise things. I am that one friend who has insane ideas, but that's often where it ends, ideas. Like the artillery man in Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds, there is a massive gap between what I can imagine and what I can actually do. Its painfully annoying, to the point where I have actually got myself into a situation that has sent me into a spiral of anxiety that sadly leads to me hitting depression avenue in no time. Thing is, I have tried to be organised, I have tried so hard to do things in a manner that keeps me up to date. You know what my biggest enemy is, SLEEP!

Oh the irony of it I swear, I need to sleep well and have a good sleep routine, otherwise all sorts of problems occur. But with that comes a huge price for me, I do all my best stuff at night, when everyone else is sleeping, I find it easier to edit photo's, plan ideas out and actually do a lot of the organisation I need to do for my hobbies as a whole. But if I sleep well, those hours are lost to me and yes I could move them into the day, but there is a key problem, PEOPLE!

I can't work on anything if in the back of my mind I'm expecting the phone to ring, my wife to ask me to help with something or even just check in on me to see if I need anything. Its stupid when I say it loud, but its the truth, I can not work when there is activity around me. Trust me on this, I've tried to, I've shut myself in my little spare room that is in effect my little office and the first time a phone rings, a pm lands or even a knock on the door happens, I'm instantly lost. The really funny part is, a big reason is I love people, love socialising when I can because I have people around me I want to be around and lets be fair, many of them actually understand me better than I understand myself if I'm being honest. And I honestly feel, due to that, when the phone rings, when I'm asked to help or even asked if things are ok, I feel the need to address it. Not because its some chore I need to do, but because I am that sort of person, I like to be involved.

So this all means one simple thing, I neglect my own things in the pursuit of helping out others, that's what the reality is and trust me on this, I would NEVER change that. For me, helping out, being available and just being kind make up who I am, to go against it is just insulting who I am. But what about what I said, about not being able to do things. Well straight up I need to figure it out, if this sleep pattern is permanent, then I have lost that 'me' time that I have clung to so hard over the years. Reality check for me, that 'me' time can exist at any time of day, but I need to find a way to shut out the world for a few hours to do it, that is not easy when you don't want to do that. But I need that time, and if I don't figure it out soon I know its going to bite me on the arse and hold on tightly. Because without my outlets, without that creative time I will quickly find myself not doing anything I want to do. I'll fail to organise, I'll let time slide by and I'll be smiling the whole time as I'll be giving my time to people I want to give it to.

But that is not going to be good for me, and I have to be selfish for a change here, I have to say I need that time for me. Because that bite on the arse will lead me to the before mentioned anxiety central and straight on to depression. The question now boils down to how the hell I do that, because I have the same number of hours in the day, there is no difference there. I'm just sleeping at night now. It comes back to organisation, routine, I need a new one, one that works for me as in it needs to address my need for 'me' time and my need to be there for the people I love. Because both are equally important and both if neglected will result in a version of me that will be lost to all and back to square one.